i was packing little things today, trying to get a little organized and my mom walked in. she asked what i was doing and i couldnt even tell her that i was organizing, she thought i was cleaning; i was scared that i would make her cry if she knew, and i knew if she cried it would just make me feel that much more guilty for going. im not really sure whether i can handle that.

also, i feel like i cant go out and have fun with my friends anymore...the whole time i just find myself being upset and wondering if its going to be the last time we are all out together for a long time, so it brings me down. fuck. what a way to leave.
i try and talk about it later with a friend who has always been there for me and always forces me to talk about my issues (which i was never, ever able to do) and she changes the subject. i understand that its hard for her to talk about as well, but something needs to happen eventually. right?

i know i have other amazing friends that i could talk to, they are all my bestfriends; but ive never been good at talking to people. i guess ill just stick to blogger.